"If you don't believe how great I am, ask me and I'll tell you."

Not sure about this one. I feel "all over the map."
Low:
Years ago I was in a unhealthy relationship. We were young in more than just years and...just not good for each other. He was so domineering and hurtful and degrading. I never measured up to the "other girls" he was looking at. "Why can't you look/act/dress like that?" (and I looked pretty darn good, btw, actions and dress? never seemed to bother him before we got together.) Of course I can't lay all the blame at his feet, I'm sure I wasn't perfect. (Wait a second. Yes I was, j.k. lol) We fought every.single.day about things I can't even recall now. It was ridiculous and taxing. After what I thought was Herculean but unsuccessful effort to make the relationship work, we decided to end it - meaning I ended it, which induced the mother of all fights. Our poor neighbors.They were probably so relieved when I moved out.
High:
After I left I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.I was at odds with myself. For the first time I didn't have anything to do. I sort of fell off the deep end, some might say. I made new "friends" (because I didn't have any when I was in the relationship and I use the term "friends" very loosely, btw.) I started living a dead end lifestyle and making choice that were just plain dumb. However, during this time I became very confident. Artificial confidence, maybe? We bar hopped nearly every weekend. It's amazing how attractive someone can look when alcohol is involved and because of that (and the fact I was unattached and new in a small community) so many guys hit on me. They all wanted to dance with me. (I'm short so I'm "fun" to throw around or so I've heard lol) I never bought myself drinks (or anything else ahem...let's probably not talk about that ;) I was on top of the world and so completely sarcastic and arrogant, to this day I don't know how I stood myself. I was more than self assured. I was beyond arrogant. Seriously, no one was as good as I was. "If you don't believe how great I am, ask me and I'll tell you." I shutter to think about my attitude back then. Nothing intimidated me.
During this time I said I was having fun. I kept telling myself that this was the life, that I didn't want to ever settle down and get married or have a family. I wanted to stay single and have a career. (complete opposite of pre-break-up thoughts.) But deep inside these wants/desires were still there, even if I didn't voice them. One night we were in a bar and some gross thing who calls himself a man, hit on me, hard. I looked at him and my stomach turned so swiftly I thought I was going to lose it right there. But something clicked. I looked around the bar and back at the "thing" and realized this was my future if I didn't make a change. These were my options if I ever wanted to "settle" down. I didn't like those options. So I made a change. I moved out of state.
Low:
The move was good in that I stopped my downward spiral. However, it was bad because all of my previous insecurities resurfaced with a vengeance and they haven't tamped down, much. Fast forward to now. I'm married to an incredible man who cannot understand how I can't see me as he sees me. Yes, this coming from the man who doesn't have an insecure/modest/shy bone in his body. I say a modest 'thank you' when he complements me and I try to hide my insecurities with sarcasm and jokes. He can see right through me. Why don't I believe him? Why is it so easy to let insecurities surface? Why was it so much easier to believe the uncomplimentary things from my previous relationship? Why is it so much easier to believe the bad rather than the good? I've heard it takes 60 something positives to erase 1 negative. I believe it...
This isn't a new thing for me. I remember one time in high school (yes, high school. this has followed me for a long time) an acquaintance asked me to list my favorite songs for the play list for an upcoming dance. I wouldn't even do that because I didn't want anyone to think my suggestions were "weird." Even now in the anonymous world of blog land, I have a hard time being me - typing what's really on my mind. And it's anonymous for crying out loud!
I think it's human nature to want to be accepted. To receive sincere compliments. To be liked. I don't know why it is so hard for some to be confident and not others. I feel completely "accepted" by my husband and I have no idea why sometimes that isn't enough.
I read a fictional book about a spy who had been completely transformed into a beautiful woman. When the time came for her mission one of her mentors told her she had to walk into the room like she owned it. She had to pretend to have confidence and then it would come. And while that is true, to some extent, a person (me) has to actually get to the point of"owning" it. Wonder when that will happen...