"If you don't believe how great I am, ask me and I'll tell you."

Not sure about this one. I feel "all over the map."
Low:
Years ago I was in a unhealthy relationship. We were young in more than just years and...just not good for each other. He was so domineering and hurtful and degrading. I never measured up to the "other girls" he was looking at. "Why can't you look/act/dress like that?" (and I looked pretty darn good, btw, actions and dress? never seemed to bother him before we got together.) Of course I can't lay all the blame at his feet, I'm sure I wasn't perfect. (Wait a second. Yes I was, j.k. lol) We fought every.single.day about things I can't even recall now. It was ridiculous and taxing. After what I thought was Herculean but unsuccessful effort to make the relationship work, we decided to end it - meaning I ended it, which induced the mother of all fights. Our poor neighbors.They were probably so relieved when I moved out.
High:
After I left I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.I was at odds with myself. For the first time I didn't have anything to do. I sort of fell off the deep end, some might say. I made new "friends" (because I didn't have any when I was in the relationship and I use the term "friends" very loosely, btw.) I started living a dead end lifestyle and making choice that were just plain dumb. However, during this time I became very confident. Artificial confidence, maybe? We bar hopped nearly every weekend. It's amazing how attractive someone can look when alcohol is involved and because of that (and the fact I was unattached and new in a small community) so many guys hit on me. They all wanted to dance with me. (I'm short so I'm "fun" to throw around or so I've heard lol) I never bought myself drinks (or anything else ahem...let's probably not talk about that ;) I was on top of the world and so completely sarcastic and arrogant, to this day I don't know how I stood myself. I was more than self assured. I was beyond arrogant. Seriously, no one was as good as I was. "If you don't believe how great I am, ask me and I'll tell you." I shutter to think about my attitude back then. Nothing intimidated me.
During this time I said I was having fun. I kept telling myself that this was the life, that I didn't want to ever settle down and get married or have a family. I wanted to stay single and have a career. (complete opposite of pre-break-up thoughts.) But deep inside these wants/desires were still there, even if I didn't voice them. One night we were in a bar and some gross thing who calls himself a man, hit on me, hard. I looked at him and my stomach turned so swiftly I thought I was going to lose it right there. But something clicked. I looked around the bar and back at the "thing" and realized this was my future if I didn't make a change. These were my options if I ever wanted to "settle" down. I didn't like those options. So I made a change. I moved out of state.
Low:
The move was good in that I stopped my downward spiral. However, it was bad because all of my previous insecurities resurfaced with a vengeance and they haven't tamped down, much. Fast forward to now. I'm married to an incredible man who cannot understand how I can't see me as he sees me. Yes, this coming from the man who doesn't have an insecure/modest/shy bone in his body. I say a modest 'thank you' when he complements me and I try to hide my insecurities with sarcasm and jokes. He can see right through me. Why don't I believe him? Why is it so easy to let insecurities surface? Why was it so much easier to believe the uncomplimentary things from my previous relationship? Why is it so much easier to believe the bad rather than the good? I've heard it takes 60 something positives to erase 1 negative. I believe it...
This isn't a new thing for me. I remember one time in high school (yes, high school. this has followed me for a long time) an acquaintance asked me to list my favorite songs for the play list for an upcoming dance. I wouldn't even do that because I didn't want anyone to think my suggestions were "weird." Even now in the anonymous world of blog land, I have a hard time being me - typing what's really on my mind. And it's anonymous for crying out loud!
I think it's human nature to want to be accepted. To receive sincere compliments. To be liked. I don't know why it is so hard for some to be confident and not others. I feel completely "accepted" by my husband and I have no idea why sometimes that isn't enough.
I read a fictional book about a spy who had been completely transformed into a beautiful woman. When the time came for her mission one of her mentors told her she had to walk into the room like she owned it. She had to pretend to have confidence and then it would come. And while that is true, to some extent, a person (me) has to actually get to the point of"owning" it. Wonder when that will happen...

Pain

I had a friend in high school who cut his fingers of with a skill saw. Well, let me reiterate. He cut his middle and ring fingers to the bone, right where they connect to the hand. His fore finger (the pointer) he cut all the way off where is connects to the hand. It was just barely hanging. Luckily he iced it within seconds and the an amazing medical team were able to sew his two back together. The fore finger had to have a pin and a vein from his wrist grafted in and a bunch of other stuff. So he was in a cast type thing for a few weeks while his hand healed. So anyway during this time, I hung out at his house to keep him from getting too bored. We played a lot of cards. Speed. He won every time and he didn't even have full use of one of his hands.
Anyway, my point. One time he was showing me his hand and the pin sticking out of his finger. He purposely moved the pin around and hissed in a breath. I asked him if that hurt. He looked at me with a 'Duh' look and said, "Yeah."
"Then why did you do that?" I asked, completely shocked.
His reply is something I have never forgot and think of it often. He said, "I kinda like pain. Ya, it sucks while you're going through it and it hurts, but when it's all over, you feel like a new person for making it through."
He's right. When a person comes through a painful experience, whether emotional or physical, they are a changed person if even just a little. Sometimes the change is good and in some cases the change is bad. Whether or not it makes the person feel new is subjective, I suppose. Hopefully there are lessons learned. But there are times when the lesson isn't learned (or is forgotten) and the pain must be repeated.
For every choice we make, there are consequences that follow. Some are good, some...not so much. Some cause pain - not because it's a bad choice - but because it's the nature of the beast. To sum it up in one word, that would be "Life." Everything has it's opposite. Good/evil. Pleasure/pain. Happy/sad. Light/dark. Without the bad, we would never be able to enjoy the good. Without pain, we would never be able to truly have pleasure. Without the darkness, we'd never see the light. If we were never sad, we wouldn't know what it's like to be happy. And so on....
So if I have to go through some pain to get some pleasure so be it. I just wish the pleasure would last longer and the pain last shorter. (I don't care that that's not grammatically correct, lol) The pain that I feel in my heart isn't something that is going to receive it's pleasure anytime soon, if at all. Sometimes (most of the time) it's dull enough to bearable. And other times, I am so unsettled and uncomfortable I feel as if I'm trying to jump out of my skin.

Lost and Not Found

He-Man lost his keys. His keys consist of: office keys, house keys and car keys. So the office and house keys are easily replaced and the car keys would be too if he hadn't lost the extra set a few months ago and then never had a 'spare' set made.
This makes me extremely angry because 1) he is constantly losing something. His keys, wallet, hat, some important document, etc. 2) I have a great little basket by the door he uses for him to put his keys, wallet, etc in. Does he use it? Nope. Very rarely does he use that cute basket. 3) it's just one more thing to remind me that my 37 year old husband is really 14.
So, yes, Mr. Locksmith, please come re-key his car and let us pay you an exuberant amount of money, that could be better used somewhere else, because B has looked high and low and still cannot find them.

Wanna guess where my keys are? Yep, in my cute basket by the door.

"Your own best friend and worst enemy"

There are all types of "difficult" things that a person goes through in life. College, moving, divorce, child birth. Some say they hardest thing they ever did was bury a loved one. While I certainly can't argue with that I am often reminded of what a friend told me. She said that when life throws things at you (like a death) you get through it because you have no choice. You just go into "survival" mode and somehow make it through. However, voluntarily changing something in your life (like giving up an addiction) is extremely difficult because it's your choice. Example: Giving up pop (soda, whatever you call it). Yep it's hard, but it's made harder because you're craving it and it takes your will power to not give into that craving. You are your own best friend/mentor and worst enemy.

A few years ago I gave up an addiction (and it was really, really, really hard!) and I swore I would never be addicted to anything again - even though there are some good addictions - let's not talk about those right now. I really didn't think I was addicted to anything. I gave up caffeine (*gasp* that was a rough one. I gave up Pibb for 1 solid month then I allowed myself to drink one. I think I had an orgasm on the first swallow lol.). And while I enjoy a Pibb every so often, I do not have to have one. So I thought I was doing good - as far as addictions go.

Then, *Joy mildly suggested for me not to read blogs for "a while." (However long that is...) *Gasp* *Swoon* *Sigh* *Grab my head and scream in my mind, "NO!!!!!"* *Black spots begin to cloud my vision* *I begin to hyperventilate - Joy grabs the smelling salts as I put my head between my knees.* (Ok, that may or may not have happened. But I may or may not have panicked just a little as a knot formed in my throat.) Could I?

So I tried going one day without reading blogs. One. Day. Now don't get me wrong. If I'm having a crazy day, not reading blogs isn't really a problem. However, when I'm bored at work and am allowed to be on the Internet, not reading blogs is impossible unbelievably difficult. And it hit me. I'm addicted to reading blogs. What?? Granted, there are worse addictions, but...

How am I supposed to give up reading? How am I supposed to go weeks (?) without knowing what is going on on certain blogs? I don't consider myself nosey, but I am curious and if I can't read blogs, what ever will I do? I am so not trying to sound dramatic. (I sound like an old lady who watches her "stories" (a.k.a. soaps) everyday, lol.) This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I don't even know if I can do because I don't want to.

Wednesday's, Ugggh

I. Hate. Wednesday's. I love Thursday's because I know Wednesday is behind me. I don't like Sunday's because I know Wednesday is almost here. Tuesday is almost as bad as Wednesday just because I know that the next day is Wednesday.
To begin with Wednesday's are weigh in days. I've lost 32 pounds and am trying to squeak out another 13. My body isn't agreeing with me much. So I weigh in on Wednesday's. Sometimes that's good and others.....well other times it just isn't good.
I work about 20 hours a week outside our home. About 16 of those (3 days) are spent doing books and reception for a local flooring company. I really don't mind the work - except when we are slow and all I can think about is how much I could be doing at home. But then I can blog-hop lurk or Facebook or read a book or whatever so it really isn't a bad job.
On dreaded Wednesday's, I work for the flooring company and then I also clean for a...place. I don't really know what to call it. There are restaurants and shops on the first level, professional businesses on the second level, apartments for levels 3-7 and a parking garage - which freaks me out. Level 3 isn't open to Level 1 and 2 but it is open all the way up to 7 except for the catwalks that lead to the individual apartments. So I basically have to sweep/vacuum and mop the lobbies floors, clean the elevators' stainless steel (inside and ouside and on all levels including parking garage), wash the windows in lobbies, empty trashes and pick up any stray trash in the parking garage. Once a month I have to vacuum 3 flights of stairs from the parking garage to level 1 and from level 3 to 7, sweep and spot mop level 3, dust hand rails on levels 4-7. All in all it takes me 3-4 hours a week to complete. The pay is excellent, but I hate it so much! Granted there are no toilets for me to clean - which is so awesome for me - it's cleaning for someones else that doesn't appreciate it so they continue to throw their pistachio shells on the stairs, their condoms are left behind in the parking garage and their gum is left outside their doors. Seriously? This is where you live. Why not take better care of it.
Once in a while when a tenant moves out, I am asked (and paid extra) to clean the apartment. I now know the reason illness and disease run wild in our country. People live in filth. Again, this is where you live. Can you not be at least a little bit clean? It never ceases to amaze me how gross people are - and then there are those who aren't which is so refreshing.
I clean after school so I take my kids and make them help me, which they hate so I'll keep doing it. I think it's good for kids to do things they don't want to do. They have chores at home, but they don't get paid for that. I do, however, pay them for helping me clean The Village.
But that's life. We don't always get to do what we want. Sometimes, most of the time, we do things we don't want.
So now I'm off to start my dreaded Wednesday. Did I mention that the owners don't run the heater in the winter or the a/c in the summer. After the mop water froze on the lobby floors a couple of times making a slick mess, they do run the heater and a low setting but it's better than nothing. But I get nothing in the summer. Ya, it's a little hot. Hot like the firey depths of hell!
PS The only "good" thing about my Wednesday is that I allow myself to not go to the gym early in the morning because of the crazy day that lies ahead. But then I feel guilty for not going and usually end up going after dinner - which I hate.
Nope Wednesday's just aren't good days for me!

First Post Ramblings

I am not new to Blog Land. I've been lurking for quite a while so I decided to start my own. I have a tendency to jump on whatever ever wagon is passing by without really thoroughly checking it out first - which has gotten me into some trouble over the years. So in an effort to jump off a wagon going in a direction that isn't right for me, I've started this blog (my own wagon) to keep me focused on other things.
I do not promise to be interesting, inspiring, or uplifting. I do, however, promise to keep it real. I have been know on frequent rare occasion to blurt things out so there may be some colorful language and/or situations that will be posted. I do not intend to offend. Just take my posts with a grain of salt and come back tomorrow.
With that, happy blogging....